Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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