She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
