I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
