that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
