Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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