you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
