Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
