mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize