Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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