Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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