I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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