I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
