My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
