I CAN MOONWALK!
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
