Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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