I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
