The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
