I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
