it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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