If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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