i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
