UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
