just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
