My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
