On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
