You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
