no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
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But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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