I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
