so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
