Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
