What did we do last night that was yellow?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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