I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
