I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
