My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.