Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
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Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
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Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check