I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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