Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
