so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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