I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
