I wish I could teleport
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
