I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
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The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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