my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
