I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
