you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
