if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
