The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
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I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.