There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
