and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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