I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
