Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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