Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
