Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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