I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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