So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
