no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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