Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
