I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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