We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
